Sunday, August 31, 2008

Oh how the days get away..

I am sitting here crying, wondering why I am feeling this way. I let myself be selfishly excited just a teeny bit. An accident I know, but my son(whom I gave away 13 years ago) and I were invited to the same birthday party. Of which it was since decided it was not a good time for us to meet. I am not angry, it was not meant to be. Not yet anyways. But I am feeling it now. It's like a ball in my chest. It's stupid to cry about such things, but I am a sensitive gal. Maybe I can't handle it. Not that I would say a thing to him, I don't want to cause any hurt. I don't even think he knows who I am. I am done, and so I will let this moment go.

We have had a decent weekend so far, one of our caterpillars turned into a butterfly.
It's a Black Swallowtail.
We had a nice visit from our friends Maria and Nate and thier kiddos. I made spaghetti with my homemade sauce and some hamburger. It turned out really good, and there were empty plates around the table.
I bought Zach some very nice Organic cotton pants for fall, for the bargin price of $5.00 at the Blue Dandelion a pricy kids Boutique in downtown Lawrence. He is dying to wear them but I want him to wait, so they don't get destroyed too soon.

Something else I need to talk about, spanking. Yes I know I vowed not to do it, but it happened again. Zach was acting out so badly yesterday. He spat at me, argued, called me a bad parent. He left time out repeatedly, and I felt like I did not know what else to do. I spanked him and then he talked back again! So he had a very long time out in his room. Then like magic he cleaned his room, all by himself without being asked, and he he did a nice job too. He then vaccuumed it. We talked about how I do not think it okay to spank him, but I feel like that was my last resort. He told me it hurts his feelings, and I told him its the same when spits at me and calls me a bad parent when he does not get his way. I don't want to do it again.
we are having a potluck tonight and I have some dishes to make, so I need to get on with my day. I made a yummy peach and blueberry pie , and I need to start on the potato salad.
Just in case you are hungry, here's the pie:


Hilary said...

The pie looks beautiful.

Sorry about the confusing feelings about your son. I hope you can find a way to make contact with him in a way that works for both of you, one day. I am so sad for you, hearing about your pain. It must be difficult to figure this stuff out.

hettieblue said...

I can only imagine what you are going through being so close yet not able to even see him. I am so sorry that you have to go through that.

It would be hard to contain myself after someone spat at me. Good for you for talking it out with him afterwards though. Hopefully you both learned something from that.

marites said...

you are doing awesome, evie. even though, you spanked (can't say i wouldn't have done the same thing in that situation...) the best thing about it was the communicating afterward. nothing a little talking and a hug (yes, this is me, endorsing a hug of all things!) won't help heal.
you're a good mama, hope your day with 5 will be okay.
talk to you soon - m