Wednesday, August 20, 2008

What it is.

Well here is what it isn't. My life has not always been lollipops and rainbows.
I don't know my father. I have never had a positive male role model in my life. Maybe that's why I married someone 15 years my senior. I don't know?? Men intimidate me, I do not understand them. The only ones I have know wanted me to be cute, or later in life wanted something sexual from me. Hence I have my weight issues. I have other issues too. MONEY..that's a big one for me. We never had much growing up, what with my mom supporting her shitty husbands. No wonder I have money issues. I was in my mid 20's before I was actually supporting myself..then I married and quit working. Now I am dependant on this older husband Gene to support me. Not that I have a spending problem. I can pinch a penny like no one I know..but that does not keep me from feeling horrible about my spending choices, and makes me a little greedy too. I hide money, I have my own account. I make sure I have a little to spend. When I have no cash it makes me feel depressed and trapped.
Feeling trapped is another issue. I feel trapped in my marriage, in my role as a mother, in my own body.
I should be happy. I have a house, I have a car to drive and decent food to eat. I know how to cook, bake and can. I have lived through at least 10 serious car wrecks, an emotionally abusive relationship, giving a child away for adoption, physical and sexual abuse, drug abuse, alcohol abuse(you guys have no idea..), I have pushed myself through serious depression(still am).
I have been through some shit, and at 32 feel like I have done it all. What is next for me?
I had to take on a job I am not going to like at all. I am helping some girl, run her home daycare. She is pretty green, and I feel like I have to tell her what to do..I guess that is the bossy side of me. But really, I hate it, and Zach was awful there today. I am lucky I get to bring him. Its only 3 hours a day, but will bring in around an extra $450 a month, which were really need right now to get ahead. I am waiting for something better..hopefully something better will.
Sorry for this long and depressing rant, but hey that's why I am her right?


laura capello said...

oy, all those feelings of being trapped. i hate those feelings, they are counter productive and piss me off (yes, i have them too).

i think it's part of human nature, always second guessing yourself, wanting to do more and be more of what you are but sill, the amount of guilt and desperation that comes with it is awful. i'm thinking of you.

Hilary said...

Vibes mama~~~~

When you are going through hell, keep going. (said Churchill). You're right, you've made it through a lot, and you will make it through this.